I handed in the large projects that were weighing down on me which felt really good and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's still as if there is some sort of gauze between me and my normal self, but it's much thinner and not made out of lead sinkers now. I think I just need sleep. It's a relief of sorts to know that my recent condition has been largely on account of stress from work and school - I'm glad it's not a lasting depression. It also means, though, that I need to be careful about keeping up with work and not letting things pile up.
Before I begin, a note on language: I use several controversial terms in this. I am an advocate for victims of sexual assault. As such, it is my job to believe that which a survivor tells me - it is not my job to judge the veracity of what she says. As such, if a survivor tells me that such-and-such did something, he is, to me, a perpetrator. I know the law considers him "innocent until proven guilty" but I am not an agent of the law and I stand on the survivor's side. In addition to this, I do use gendered pronouns. I acknowledge that perpetrators are not always male (and I am very far from EVER saying that all men are potential perpetrators. I VERY strongly believe that that is NOT true.) nor that victims are always female. I use gendered pronouns because it is the easiest way to avoid awkward he/she constructions or repetition. I apologize if my pronoun use has bothered you.
SAPA training is much harder emotionally than I had anticipated. We did role playing today and that affected me MUCH more than I'd anticipated - I've done role playing before, but this was different. My partner complemented me on my acting - but the reason it was so good is that it wasn't acting, really. I'd internalized the scenario so quickly and to such a point that I almost broke out in tears. A feeling of powerlessness and confusion and frustration took me over and I still haven't been able to entirely shake it. And pronouns are very confused; when I'm consciously trying to, I know to use the third person because it was only a scenario but the moment I stop thinking about that specifically and focusing on any of the details it goes straight to "I." Perhaps it's insignificant, but linguist that I am, I pay attention to it. Training etc. has brought out so many questions - about my life, about my feelings on certain subjects - and has also made me profoundly angry. The system we live in does not help survivors. If anything, it helps and breeds perpetrators. The court system is Hell, plain and simple. Gender stereotypes create unhealthy power dynamics. And the most frustrating thing of all, the thing that makes me even more angry: I can't figure out a way to make it better.
I understand apathy. There are causes that, while I have an opinion on them, I do not advocate for - simply because I do not have the time or energy to do that and to advocate for those things that I feel really strongly about - and also to live my own life. Perhaps it is selfish but I do need some time for what I want to do - outside of social advocacy. That's why I can't be as angry as Rebel about the small turn out for things like the march. I also see, however, that apathy is a major part of the problem - if everyone said NO! this is not okay, yes, we'll support survivors, things would be significantly different. But how to make people take up this cause as their own? I didn't become an activist in this area until something happened to someone I cared about.
Perhaps two of the most worthwhile and yet frustrating and infuriating things that I've done here at Dartmouth has been going through peer advisor training (SAPA and EDPA). They present two very serious issues with some very serious societal issues that really have no good or easy solution. It's been difficult to see my friends go though things and know - at least academically - a lot of the challenges they are going to face because of whichever issue they are dealing with. It infuriates me further to think of the way society and bureaucracy both team up to screw them over further - as if they weren't having enough of a hard time dealing with their issues.
The court system when it comes to sexual assault possibly does more harm than help - even if a guilty verdict is returned. The survivor has to relive the act over and over and over to many different people, some of whom will be doing their best to discredit them. And then with the verdict, it's almost as if they are being ruled on just like the perpetrator: guilty means she is allowed to feel violated and that it was the perpetrator's fault, not hers; not guilty, however, takes away any possibility of validation through court proceedings and is basically society slapping her across the face saying either "you deserved it" or "are you suuuuuuure that you didn't ask for it?" And to state the totally obvious: it is not her fault ever. Nobody asks to be raped.
That's another thing - the word "rape." "Sexual assault" is what I've been hearing all about. People don't use the word "rape." Say it out loud. It's an ugly word - harsh and abrupt and almost suggestive of a ripping noise. No, much better to say "sexual assault." That's not ugly. And it steers us away from the really violent, negative connotations of "rape." You know what I think? I think it should be screamed at the top of our lungs: RAPE. It IS an ugly topic. It's painful and violent and horrible. "Sexual assault" lets us distance ourself. "Rape" does not. Part of the apathy problem is that people allow themselves to be distanced from the raw emotion of the issue. I understand the counter arguments, why "sexual assault" might be a better term in some cases, etc. but I can also see - I can feel even in myself - that people do not react the same way to a "rape" as to a "sexual assault."
The same thing I said about the court system goes for the COS - except there is more. If you go through a COS hearing, a packet of information is put together with your statement, the perpetrator's statement, and any other statements. This packet is given to both the survivor and the perpetrator and then anything can happen to that packet. While in court cases at least the identity of the victim is kept confidential, that is not the case with the COS. That packet, once it has been handed out, cannot be controlled and there is nothing keeping the perpetrator from disclosing any or all of the information - and on a campus this small, that can be explosive. As if that wasn't bad enough, if the decision of the COS is "responsible" (not "guilty," just "responsible" - and worse, if the COS finds for the defendant, he is "not responsible," implying - however unintentionally - either that the victim IS responsible or that nothing happened, entirely invalidating the victim's experience. And "not responsible" verdicts are fairly common. AND they want to raise the burden of proof to "beyond a reasonable doubt."), if the decision of the COS is "responsible" then the perpetrator can turn around and sue not only the college but also the victim. In recent history (at least the past 10 years, likely more), no perpetrator has won his case, but it still drags out the process even further and adds addition undue stress on the victim. NO WONDER so few cases (25 in the past 10 years! That's less than 3 cases a year. Rape is much more common than that here. IT HAPPENS HERE.) are ever brought to the COS.
College bureaucracy - and not only issues related to sexual assault - is making me furious. I know that in the end it's usually got students' health and safety at heart, but it is also entirely too worried about being sued. They are currently interfering in the life of a friend of mine and it's making me angry. But I will hold my tongue about that case in respect for the privacy of said friend.
If you know how to change any of this, I'm open to suggestions.
Just do me a favor? Rape jokes are not okay. And take care of yourself. Please.
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